How Star Trek Saved Me

I had a rough childhood. Recently, I've been doing some *more* healing about that and I am exploring helplessness.

My therapist used somatic methods to find where the trauma felt like in my body and focusing on that as I journaled brought me here.

As a child in the 1970s, my brother and I watched the original three seasons of Star Trek first on UHF and then in the early 1980s on cable. Many times.

The world of Star Trek is filled with people who face their fears, who try to find solutions to their problems, who fail and move on, who succeed and move on. They:

"Seek out new worlds and new civilizations and boldly go where no one has gone before."

I so wanted the Enterprise to come back in time to rescue me from my home. I didn't understand this then, but I know now, I had the power to rescue myself.

I stopped something bad happening in my childhood home. I ran away from home four times. I left when I had enough money to do so. I moved to a new state. I cut off ties from the abuser. 

More than that, I sought therapy almost from the moment I left home. And I've been in and out of therapy my whole life and am currently in therapy. 

For sure no one in my family has gone there before.

I connect with others about mental health and trauma. I have been in support groups. I've read books about healing.

All new metaphorical worlds and civilizations.

Currently, I'm diving into when I feel helpless. Recently, it was about access to food at an event. I asked for gluten free food but there was only one thing on the menu I could eat. I had to work hard to advocate for myself and I was successful.

Last week it was the helplessness I feel about the poor air quality due to climate change wildfire smoke. We had days and days of it. Because of my physical health issues, I can't go outside without a mask, and can't stay outside long without injuring my lungs and heart. 

I felt so helpless and sunk into depression for a couple of days.

What I know about things I can't have any control over is that if I focus on them, I go right there, to anxiety and depression. I changed my focus last week to knit something complicated. It engages my brain and it releases the depression.

But I want to do something different the next time the helplessness shows up. I want to feel it in my body. I want to recognize it before depression sets in. I want to remember that I'm not helpless at all, that I can feel it. I want to trust that I can find a way through it, even if I don't know the way.

I've watched and loved most of the Star Trek franchise. I especially loved Star Trek: Discovery and am currently really loving the reset of history with Star Trek: Strange New Worlds.

I want to be in Starfleet. I want to understand that even when the navigation panel is offline, and there are always new things to try to get where I'm going, people around me who can help me, and strange new worlds and civilizations to explore. To live long, and prosper.