I wrote this on Northography.com in response to this painting.
Bella
She makes love to you
with the force of the tide
her moon
face framed in flame
rises
over you until you
understand
you’re underwater
your lungs full of brine
as if only the deep drink
can quell your ordinary
appetite
***
Based on suggestions for changes, here's my revision:
Bella
She makes love to you
with the force of the tide
her face
a moon framed in flame
rises
over you until you
understand
you’re underwater
your lungs full of brine
as if only the deep drink
can quell your curious
cravings
***
One person suggested I change her moon/face framed to her face/a moon face framed and I like how that scanned. I also liked how it paired moon with rising. A couple of people had the excellent suggestion of changing hunger to thirst to better jive with deep drink. One person suggested I change ordinary to extraordinary, but I didn't like how that scanned. So in looking for another word to better scan, I found I liked how quell your curious cravings sounded.
As always, I welcome your feedback!
